A Certain Tirade – by ‘Toys
I can see it now, Andy Rooney sitting in his office at the end of “60 Minutes” looking as old and senile as possible, when a flash of lucidity hits him. He looks directly into the camera and says, “you know what I hate? Guys who wear baseball hats because they ‘like the hat.’”
Now, if you are a grown man and frequently wear baseball hats and you’re not at a baseball game or the lake, then, as Keyshawn Johnson says, “C’mon man!” You are likely yet to graduate from the mesh ‘n tee uniform of high school. Anyways, if you do insist on wearing a baseball cap out into public, please don’t wear it just because you like the hat. There is nothing worse than someone wearing a brand new baseball hat with a flatbill and all of the stupid stickers still on. This is how douchebags who “like the hat” wear their hats. There is something distinctly “American” and awesome about pulling an old, worn out ball cap out of your back pocket while having a catch.
A baseball hat should say something about you by showing what team you pull for. If you’re wearing a cap of the hometown team, it is likely not going to raise any eyebrows. But if you are wearing a cap from a team halfway across the country, people might start to wonder why. If someone asks you something about the team shown on your cap and you respond that you just like the hat, well then fuck you. Here is a typical conversation with one of these douchebags in case you’ve never encountered one:
-Me, to douchebag wearing an Atlanta Braves hat: “hey what do you think of the Braves’ chances of winning the NL East this year?”
-Douchebag, who obviously doesn’t know what the NL East is: “uh, I don’t know, I just like the hat”
–This is where I would like to take Javier Bardem’s cattle gun from “No Country for Old Men” and shoot it right through the tomahawk on that piece of shit’s forehead.
Another example:
-Me, to douchebag wearing a St. Louis Cardinals hat: “so, you think the Cards are gonna sign Pujols after the season?”
-Douchebag: “sign poo holes?”
–Bam! Odd Job hat, right there, headless douchebag.
These people fucking suck. I think the reason that I hate them so much is that I have an overall distaste for people in general. I don’t like small talk because I don’t want to hear your stupid fucking mouth flap around talking about things that only people with a room temperature IQ would find interesting. But sport is one venue that I am always game to banter about. Which is why, when I see a stranger while standing in a stupid fucking line at the DMV, I will give them shit for wearing a Cubs hat. When the moron replies that he doesn’t like the Cubs, he just likes the hat, I want to strangle him with the rope that holds up the “wait here” sign. A perfectly good opportunity to make the time less monotonous is wasted on a fucking dimwit. I guess the moral of the story is I shouldn’t assume an ass clown who is wearing a baseball hat would know anything about the latest trades or the extra inning walk off from the night before, I should just assume douche until proven otherwise.
I have to agree with my man Toys. Guys that wear these hats look like idiots. And its not cool in hip-hop to wear a huge hat over your ears either
March 7, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Toys, I agree with your point about people who wear logo hats from a team in which they have no interest.
As a Texas Ex living in Oregon, I used to walk up to anyone wearing a Texas hat and say, “Hook ‘em Horns!”, thrilled that a fellow Longhorn was here in the Pacific NW; it was a nice break from the “Duck Fans” (don’t even get me started on those fair-weather idiots) and a chance to talk about my beloved University, the football team and yes, even the (usually) very good baseball team. I stopped doing it because I got tired of people giving me a blank stare, which required me to explain myself and then hear the annoying words, “oh, a friend gave me this hat” etc. etc.
I can’t stand small talk either or inane questions like, “how’s your day going?” especially from people who don’t really care!
Toys, I would suggest that you and I organize a misanthrope convention, except that the only people who would show up would be a bunch of grouches and who wants to hang around them?!
If you ever find yourself in Oregon and you see a woman wearing a baseball hat with a Longhorn logo on it, don’t be annoyed; she can tell you all about her team.