Self reflection is vital to mental and physical development. So why, as humans, do we practice it so infrequently? Is it because we are too busy looking away from ourselves towards others at what we perceive to be flawed? Or is it because we feel content with how we are, and aren’t aware of what we can be? I cannot speak for others when I say this, but my reason was neither of those. My reason stemmed from a self justified fear of cognitive dissonance. I was worried that, if forced to examine myself, the findings would come to odds with that which I knew to be right for myself. Let me be clear, when I say right for myself—in no way am I putting up a moral fence a la religion or creed. In my interpretation of the word, “right” refers to what will help me develop as the man I want to be…not the man a book and its billion followers want me to be.
Some months ago, I was forced to reflect on my lifestyle and where it has brought me thus far. The circumstances surrounding this self reflection are somewhat ridiculous for me to admit. Allow me to preface my next thoughts with this short explanation, I have never considered myself to be a “relationship” guy—every relationship I’ve ever been in has crashed and burned with gusto, usually at the time of my choosing. I didn’t know the meaning of commitment in the true sense of the word and it showed in my relationships. In between these relationships, I would go after girls that seemed unapproachable just so I could experience a brief high that came with the breaking down of barriers. Let me be clear, I don’t enjoy one night stands and the majority of these encounters were not of that nature, but just as in a one night stand, the sex was the last chapter and I moved on. I was a man whore. With that being said, it changed about five months ago. During the summer I had the privilege of going to two of my close friends’ weddings. It was at these weddings, that I met a girl that forced me to pull my head out of my ass (though not at that time). My initial attraction to her was superficial—without a doubt, she’s a beautiful woman, but as a person she offered so much more. At the second wedding, I was able to get her number and from that time on, we talked every single day for probably four months. It was not at all what I expected and it was amazingly refreshing. I forgot all about my previous lifestyle and its stupidity, and just enjoyed the long distance company of this girl. I found that I liked her quite a bit and that was new for me. Long story short, I visited her in New York and enjoyed the weekend, but after the weekend it became clear that, as individuals in different stages of life (and a lot of miles in between us), we couldn’t progress past the level of emotion that had already been breached. Then, as evidence of my transformation from man whore to decent human being, I didn’t burn the bridge. We decided to remain friends and still talk frequently, though without the backdrop of proposed romance. She ended up being a catalyst for me that ignited my introspection.
I say all this not to tout my reform or to insinuate a perfect transformation—though I am on my longest dry spell since 8th grade—rather, I say it to reinforce the lesson I learned to myself. For the first time in my adult life, I had to consider the kind of empty person I was becoming and put it on the paper next to the kind of man I wanted to be. It caused dissonance, just as I feared, but with that dissonance came a realization of direction. So don’t be afraid to take at a look at yourself—though don’t stare too long or risk the fate of Narcissus—because you’ll never realize your flaws until you force yourself to look.
